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Posts Tagged ‘I HATE SNOW

Fear and Loathing in a Chevy Blazer

I’m cold, I’m covered in snow and now, I will soon be parting from my owner for the last time. I’ve had a good run, I’ve had some interesting company. I was born in 2000 and don’t really remember much about my first owner.

Apparently they didn’t feel I was good enough, so I sat in Hampton, until one day, some guy named Twinkie came in and rescued me and took me for a whirlwind tour and it was one helluva ride.

It was October of 2003 and a distant cousin, a Ford Bronco II, had been put to pasture. I was newer, more in tune with society, I even had an airbag or two. I was more comfortable and kicked serious ass.

I got pissed at times. I’ve been puked on, puked in, pissed on, sneezed on, spit on, smoked in, spilled on, spilled in, hit by trees, sideswiped by taxis and seen the country.

I started out living in Virginia, hitting potholes in ghetto neighborhoods and driving up on curbs. I was not the Bronco, so Twinkie treated me with more respect. I wasn’t beaten up, I was in great shape, in the prime of my life.

I’m a Southern being, I don’t like snow, I don’t like the cold. I’ve had better days, been sick, broke down here and there, but I’m powered by Vortec, and I know how to get from point A to point B.

I’ve come home for Christmas, moves across country, been jammed with a 46-inch flat screen TV as the only other passenger. I’ve been crammed with seven people heading down to a concert, where I was sadly left outside.

I’ve been pulled over, towed, and I’ve had three different coworkers with my sound system.

I’ve been covered in dog hair, old CD’s, dirt. I’ve had better days, I’d have worse days.

I’ve been to Philadelphia, New York City, Virginia Beach … I went over 100,000 miles at the base of the Washington Monument in D.C. I’ve been lost in Baltimore, turned around in Harrisburg, and seemingly, at home, in some place called Fargo, N.D.

I’d never been to Fargo, yet I seemed to know everything about it. Why did I know what the Bison Turf was? I’d never been there. Who were these people piling into me? They seemed familiar, like friends, but I hadn’t met them.

Oh wait, I remember you Ben, you puked in me two weeks after I was purchased.

It was a happy day when I learned I was no longer the property of a bank, but some guy who couldn’t drive a lick and ran me to the bone … October, five years after I drove off a Pomoco lot in the shadows of the Hampton Coliseum on Mercury Boulevard, I was now fully paid off.

Here it is, January of 2009 … and I won’t see February. My wheels don’t grip ice well, I got punched in the face by a concrete wall. I’m done, I’m not going to ever get back on the road. I’m worm food, well, at least I’m due for a slow demise in a crusher or salvage yard. I’ve got some good things left, but I’m no longer of any use to anyone who wants to drive me.

I haven’t been on as many roads as Johnny Cash, but I’ve been to Fargo, I can probably sing half the lines, because I’ve heard it so many times.

I’ll never hear any more 2 Skinnee J’s, I’ll never hear any more Atmosphere. I’ll never be stuck in a parking garage again. I’ll never have to deal with needing new wipers. I’ll never know what it’s like to see the Pacific.

I know these inherent facts:
I’ve had many co-pilots from Virginia to Pennsylvania to Minnesota.
I’ve seen people spin out and crash in front of me just days before Christmas.
I know that disc golf isn’t just an activity.
I’ve toted Olympians, NCAA Wrestling Champions and the sport’s finest.
I’ve toted scumbags and complete jackasses as well.
I’ve hauled PA equipment.
I’ve attended Roller Derby.
I’ve reeked of beer and smoke.
I’ve been unlocked by locksmiths.
I’ve been unlocked by a very large Katana blade.
I know what the drive thru attendant at the Lancaster McDonalds sounds like and she knows the rattle of my muffler.
I know people see me and know I spent time at Old Dominion University.
I know people have used me to sleep in … and pass out … and again, puke.
I know I once cost 80 bucks to fill up.
I know I’ve been worked on, fixed, broken and repaired.
I’ve been to New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, Virginia, North Carolina, West Virginia, Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri and North Dakota.
I know what the outside of Pat’s and Geno’s look like.
Very few people have ever been behind my wheel.
I know what a “WU-FONG” is and have mastered it.
I know I had a good run.

I had a great life and in 136,000 miles … I don’t regret it all.

I knew my time was coming, but didn’t think it would be this abrupt.

I will say this … when I see you in hell, Mr. Concrete, I’m going to EFF you up something good.

This is my swan song …

Blazer – OUT.


Written by Jason Bryant

January 12, 2009 at 3:29 pm

One wrecked truck … the quick story, more details when it gets sorted out

As some of you might know from my posts on TheWrestlingTalk and on Wrestling411, I was in a one-car accident this weekend in Waterloo, Iowa.

So here’s the deal … I posted this on TWT yesterday.

I’m more freaked out than anything else. There’s just a helpless feeling when you’re sliding and have no control, and just have to roll with it.

Basically, I was getting on to Highway 218, not three blocks from the hotel, and as I merged into the two main lanes, hit a patch of ice, ended up sliding a ways before the wheels hit “dry” pavement. When it did, it was like those cars you wound up and put on the floor. I shot head first into the concrete barrier. I braced myself for the impact, totally unaware I even had airbags. The smell of that airbag explosion is burned into my nostrils.

I’ve been a zombie all day, I’ve really had no idea what’s been going on. My vitals checked out ok. I’m not dizzy, not lightheaded or have a headache, I hit a bunch of aleve, so I don’t have any pain just yet, but it’s just scary because I think it could have been a lot worse.

The good thing is I didn’t “get” a ticket, even though I could have been cited for improper driving. Grabbed my cameras, passport, disc golf discs, iPod and anything else worth taking out of the truck.

I JUUUUST paid it off in October, and spent $400 getting it started (Fuel regulator or something) and now I turn around and slam it into a jersey barrier.

I’ll probably post something about this on the Bryant Blog later tonight, I’m still shaken up, but I got to the tournament by the end of the first round.

Once I got “on the air” i felt better, but I’m still a bit of a mess.

Written by Jason Bryant

January 11, 2009 at 10:36 pm